


the afterthought in his lungs

by revoleotion



Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Whumptober 2020, depressed character, prompt supplied by the blue exorcist writing server
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26993923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revoleotion/pseuds/revoleotion
Summary: The air in Yukio's face reminded him that he had to get home.Whumptober 2020 Prompt: Breathe in, breathe out.
Relationships: Okumura Yukio/Shima Renzou
Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986532
Comments: 14
Kudos: 26





	the afterthought in his lungs

**Author's Note:**

> specific warnings: drowning (duh but unsuccessful), suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> Also, this is my first time writing Shima, please be nice.

The air in Yukio's face reminded him that he had to get home. 

“This was stupid,” he said but he didn't sound like himself. He turned until he was lying on his back, looking at the stars.

He could try again. If he had one message from Rin, he could find the courage to try again.

He looked at his phone but since it wasn't charged, there were no messages. Did this count? Was that an “enough” sign, permission to stop, to walk home and to try again tomorrow? Perhaps to never try again, because his stupid lungs clung to life like he deserved it?

It felt physically impossible to walk but he did it anyway. The cool summer breeze burned in his eyes, on his skin. He had taken off his coat before tonight’s attempt but he could feel the water seeping through, burning through the thick cloth until the coat was full of it as well. Too much evidence. He had to be careful when entering the dorm, if he even went home. 

He could always stay with another church, anyone else, really, but Yukio’s muscles ached and all he wanted was his own bed. That’s what failure did to him, him longing for a place that had never truly felt like home in the first place. 

A chill crept down his back and made him flinch. He pulled the coat tighter around his body and grimaced as it got even damper. Did an abundance of holy water make clothing more or less holy? Most likely less because he had done things no religion ever had intended. At least Yukio assumed that attempting to drown oneself to set free possible demonic powers were far from any christian beliefs. 

But those had become blurry anyways. His thoughts too. Nothing felt truly right anymore. Corrupted. He could feel himself withering, corrupting in front of his own eyes. Sometimes it felt like he was watching himself. 

He always hated what he saw. 

A few more steps and he’d be home. He dragged himself forward, not particularly exhausted, at least he had been worse, but still filled with more tiredness a person his age should feel. At times it was like Yukio had taken on the entire universe’s weight. 

That’s how he felt now. But there was something else to it, the adrenaline rush, the happiness to be alive. To have made it. Maybe a feeling from early days, where a successful mission was just that. 

It took him three tries to open the door because he couldn’t properly grab the keys. The air conditioning kept the dorm at a comfortable 19 degrees. They had gotten the AC when Yukio had filed a complaint about the mold, although Yukio wasn’t sure how this should help. He didn’t plan to stick around forever, anyway. If tonight’s plan had worked, he’d never think about this dorm ever again. 

Maybe it was this thought or the cold air but Yukio found himself shaking. He made a few steps but stopped when he heard a noise in the kitchen. 

He hadn’t taken his gun with him. The paper in his pockets was too wet to be still useful and his brain was too drained to remember anything that could be helpful. The old fear was back, deadly terror,  _ Todesangst _ , and Yukio welcomed it like an old friend. 

Breathe in, breathe out. Deal with this. 

It wasn’t as graceful as he had imagined it. Right when he wanted to enter the kitchen, a cough exploded in his throat and filled the air. He froze, leaned against the wall and tried to stop it. 

It went about as well as expected. 

He hadn’t felt it before but his lungs were on fire now, they rejected oxygen despite craving it. Yukio knew enough about the human body to realize this as something less than ideal. 

“Who’s there?” a voice called. Footsteps, getting closer. 

It wasn’t Rin. Yukio stopped coughing immediately. Hysterical laughter bubbled up in his chest and Yukio didn’t feel strong enough to hold it in. He slid down to the floor and laughed to himself until the footsteps stopped in front of him. 

Yukio didn’t have to look up to know who it was. That was a side effect from being a teacher, from knowing someone by their voice and energy. 

“Shima,” he whispered when he felt like his voice was strong enough to carry that name. 

“Jesus,” Shima muttered. The casual blasphemy almost sent Yukio back into another hysterical laughing fit but he managed to stay calm, for now. 

“No, Yukio,” he replied. 

“I want to say that you were attacked but something tells me this was your work.”

Somewhere at the back of Yukio’s head, a little voice informed him that this was the most serious he had ever seen Shima. Which was odd, considering that this boy had threatened him before. Still, the way they were now, right now, was different than anything he had ever encountered. 

He wanted to push this moment out of his head before he could remember it, cling onto it. This shouldn’t become a memory, part of yet another thing he hated about himself. He didn’t want any feelings for Shima to fuel what he was trying to do. Shima shouldn’t become poison like everything else in his life did. 

“Would a hot chocolate make you feel better?” Shima asked. 

“Were you breaking into our dorm?” Yukio asked back. 

“What are you going to do, stop me?”

“I don’t think I can.”

He felt himself being hauled to his feet. It didn’t feel right that Shima could just  _ do  _ that. 

The next minutes were a blur but he ended up on a chair, his hands cupped around a mug filled with hot chocolate. At least it smelled like that. 

“Drowning didn’t work, huh?” Shima asked. 

This should be a red flag but Yukio just lowered his head and smelled the scent of the drink. His thoughts slowly made sense again, not enough for him to fully grasp the situation. 

He had almost drowned. His body told him to feel relieved about it. Shima had broken into their dorm. The hot mug was burning his fingers. 

“Do you feel better now?” Shima asked. There was a softness to him that seemed to come as a surprise to him as well because he grimaced right after he said it. 

Yukio nodded. He could fall asleep here and there, he thought, but he forced himself to stay in the moment. Maybe he did want to remember this. 


End file.
